'I did wish my sick father would die in his sleep'

"WHEN I received a frantic call from my
neighbour informing me that my dear daddy
was walking aimlessly near a shopping mall, I
just knew something wasn't right. At first, I
brushed it off as a side-effect from his new
medication, lack of sleep or just old age
kicking in. But deep down I knew it was more
than that.
"As soon as I got home, my father acted as if
everything was normal. He claimed he just got
confused with the many new shops in the area.
Initially, I fooled myself into believing the
same. However, over the months that followed,
my worst fears materialised," said Frank (not
his real name), 46.
Frank's father, who was a well-respected
retired headmaster and scholar, seemed to be
more and more confused with everyday tasks,
such as eating and showering. Soon after that
first episode, he was diagnosed with
Alzheimer's.
"I've never been very close to my father,
especially when I was in my 20s and 30s. But
when my mother died of colon cancer a few
years back and I got divorced, I moved back
into my father's house to care for him.
"We still never really got along much. Come to
think of it we were nothing more than
roommates co-existing under one roof.
"So, when my father needed help to remind
him to have dinner or take a bath, it was odd,
to say the least. But since I was the closest
relative nearby, I didn't have much of a
choice," Frank added.
He said although the initial stages of his
father's disease was mere inconvenience, the
subsequent years that followed were almost
unbearable.
"The doctors did caution me that it was going
to be a rough road to travel, so I braced
myself for the worst. But what I imagined
wasn't half as bad as reality.
"The physical strain of living with someone
with Alzheimer's is bad, but the emotional
burden is much worse.
"As I watched my father's physical strength
deteriorate, I knew that I could carry the
weight. But mentally and emotionally, I was
barely hanging on as I watched him slip into a
closed, dark area in his mind, a place where
none of us who is 100 per cent mentally stable
and alert will ever understand.
"It may sound cruel, but at his worst, I did
wish that he would die in his sleep.
"His condition was worse than a baby. He
didn't know what was going on at all.
"I would sit and watch television with him, but
I never really knew what was going on in his
mind. He didn't show any emotion and I felt
that I was talking to a wall many times."
"As strange as it may seem, I envied my
friends who were caregivers to their cancer-
stricken parents because they could at least
still communicate their feelings, wishes and
show their love in the short time they had left
with them.
"My dad died in his sleep when he was 82, four
years after he was diagnosed.
"During those four years, I felt more alone
than I had ever been. Unfortunately, I didn't
have anyone to talk to about my feelings
because I didn't think anyone would
understand.
In fact, I didn't even know that there was a
term called 'ambiguous loss